"Alf Gets His Sight Back" - Article from our Club Journal "The Cumberland Claptrap"

 The whole of our club was overjoyed when it was announced this week that Alf Tibbins who´s been suffering with cataracts since he got his first one in the early 90´s can now see again – And the first thing he did when he regained his sight - was to file for a divorce! Alf takes up the story.

“The thing is when the old eyesight started giving way Mary weren´t wearing too badly at the time and she looked alright, not stunning exactly but alright. Then, when I came round after the operation she came to visit me in hospital. Me sight were a bit blurry at first but gradually the eyes started to clear, I squinted for a bit, slowly started to focus on her face, - and it were apparent that she´s turned into a right old boiler. I tried to ignore it but she could sense I weren´t best pleased as she handed me over some grapes. Don´t get me wrong she´s still a nice person and everything it´s just that I can´t see meself trying to rifle through her drawers any time soon, it´s a shame but there you go”. His wife of 35 years and constant companion through all his trials and tribulations remained defiant last night.

“That´s charming that is, after all I´ve done for that man, I couldn´t believe it when I drove him home and he asked me drop him off at the newsagents so he could buy a Daily Mirror and a Penthouse magazine. Obviously I´m pleased for him that his eyesight has come back but it gets my back up when he spends all day lusting after Carol Vorderman and Jane McDonald on “Loose Women”. I don´t know who the hell he thinks he is, he´s obviously not got round to looking in the mirror yet, - he´s hardly Robert Redford his self – Robert Robinson more like!”

Editors note: Robert Robinson was the excrutiating bald ginger bloke who chaired “Ask The Family” in the 70´s. - Below, an  unrepentant Alf last night.

The Pensioners Christmas Trip.

Article taken from our club journal - "The Cumberland Claptrap".
This years event was held at “John and Josephs” eatery and was very well attended. Bob Tinkerton our treasurer gave a small speech welcoming all our senior members before clutching at his stomach and collapsing on top of the gravy boat. His wife mabel was most put out. “I´m most put out” she said afterwards, “That gravy will never come out”. Fellow club member Nat Burrows was equally unimpressed. "My turkey was definitely a bit suspect, it was brown for one thing and appeared to have a tail, I complained to the waiter that the sprouts were a bit undercooked an all, and to be fair he very kindly came back with a blow lamp, - but we couldn´t get it lit. The christmas pudding was black and smelt of cheese."


Sheila Badcock the party organiser defended the choice of venue and speaking from her hospital bed said, “Well it´s very good value for money I think, it´s true that one or two complained about the odd thing here and there, but overall it was a huge success, or at least that was what I was told by the four people who were still sat upright when the pudding arrived”.

Ted Eccles.