Sunday 24 January 2010

The Concert Chairman On The Radio

Article from our club journal - "The Cumberland Claptrap":
Our very own concert chairman has now secured a spot on the "Turner & Holt Sports Spectacular" radio show on "FabFMSpain" - he appears as the "Voice Of Reason" to give his views on various sporting topics of the day plus on the weekly "Guess the year" feature. Here is a transcript of this weeks conversation -

"Audley Harrison – when´s he gonna actually fight a boxer? – up to press he´s fought a cabby, a postman and 3 bin men – soft as muck, - I read in´t paper he got mugged by an old lady outside a fish shop in London last week, - Had him ont floor with his arm up his back and pinched his haddock. – left him laid in´t gutter covered in scraps, - I ask yer. Tell you who was just as bad – Joe Bugner – great big lump of useless fat lard he was – fought Ali twice and never actually threw a punch! only time he peeped out from behind his gloves were to put his gumshield in. He wore that at the weigh in an all - he were that scared – They were some great boxers though weren´t they in those days– Joe Frazer, Muhammad Ali – George Formby – he couldn´t half punch except that time in Zaire when Ali talked him to death – the fumble in the jungle they called it. He´s a chef now – he´s got a chip pan named after him or summat.

Anyway – 1988 what a year, I were recuperating from a slip disc after falling over a dead hedgehog up on me allotment. – It were a nightmare – I had to send the wife up there to plant me shallots and everything, - I were bed ridden – but only for one night though. Doctor cudn´t believe it, said I shudn´t be able to walk – walk! – I were playing football next morning – and I scored a hat trick. – said he´s never come across anybody who could recover from such a serious injury like that ever before, by rights I should have been in traction for 3 months and then another month psychotherapy. Said I were a walking miracle, said if there were more people like me, his job would be 10 times easier.

(Discussing the World Snooker final of 1985:)

I were a brilliant snooker player me sen yer know, wud av turned professional an all had I not got that detached rectum after somebody threw the triangle at me - hit me in the eye – I were best player in our club anyway, I used to break off, bounce off o´t top 2 cushions, behind´t blue, off o´t bottom cush and cue ball would end up nestled up to behind yellow – or behind the brown – if I was a bit off form. I used to play pairs with Charlie Barrett who had a glass eye, so he couldn´t judge distances, so as far as he were concerned pack of reds were 3 mile away, and frankly – he played like it. Problem were he used to line up the shot with his glass eye instead of his good one, I told him to get the doctor to drill a hole in it so he can see through it but he wouldn´t listen.I bought him an eye patch in the end but he fell down the stairs at Horsforth Conservative club – silly sod put the patch over his GOOD eye! I didn´t notice that he played any worse though.

The greatest ever final was that one between Davis and Naylor– surely, unless you count Joe Davis beating Walter Lindford 145 – 110 in 1937 – that were a close game for them days, a real ciff hanger. – Funny that another Davis came along – Steve - everybody thought that they were related but they weren´t – he were ginger if you remember. Anyway, he played Dennis Naylor who were blind – until he put this glasses on, but he didn´t put em on til he was 8-0 behind – think he had wife´s glasses on by mistake. I Remember the great champions – Ray Reardon – Dracula they called him – cos he didn´t like coming for crosses – no hang on – that might have been Victor Spinetti – the goalkeeper, anyway then there was Eddie Charlton the Aussie who were a right boring player with a hair transplant and Frank Spencer who wore a blue suit – he won world title 3 times, but that were before it were played at er...Sheffield Wednesday at The Crucifix theatre, I remember that it didn´t finish until half six in´t morning, I remember inviting milkman in to watch the last frame, and we toasted Naylor´s victory with a glass of gold top, and a strawberry yoghurt."
Tune into "TheTurner and Holt Sports Spectacular" on FabFMSpain 99.5FM or on the internet on http://www.fabfmspain.com/ 5-7pm saturdays (or 4-6pm British time)

Thursday 7 January 2010

New Years Eve

Would like to thank all our members what turned up to our New years Eve fancy dress party on new years Eve. We once again had a capacity turn out in the best room and prizes for best fancy dress went to Mozzer Littlemore (Tina Turner), Dave from Alcudia (wore a pair of red combinations but not sure who he was meant to be), and club steward Nigel and Yvonne who came as Robin Hudd and Maid Marriot. We also had a snow man, a penguin and a bloke with a long coat and white face, which was very good.


I performed my duties until “Auld Lang Syne” whereby I vacated the stage to let the celebrations commence. Unfortunately my wife Elsie didn´t make it due to rheumatoid dartitis. It´s a shame is that cos she´d spent ages making that big fat Christmas pudding outfit – amazingly when she put it on – she didn´t look any different.