Sunday 19 December 2010

Our Club Nativity Play, From A Few Year Back.

Another chance to catch up with our somewhat farcical nativity play from 2007, as it appeared in our club journal "The Cumberland Claptrap".

"We would like to thank all of those who attended our production of the nativity play this year. Unfortunately, due to a somewhat lengthy committee meeting just before we started, some of our members were slightly intoxicated and what follows is an exact account of what came out on the night, rather than the scripted version which sadly went out of the window at an early stage. We especially apologise to the members of the local day centre who unfortunately walked out in the interval. (without their carers in many cases)."




NATIVITY PLAY.

SCENE 1

{The three shepherds played by Joe Scraggs, Bob Merryman and “Chimp” Simpkins are dressed in blankets tied up with string and are stood between two stuffed sheep}

[Narrator]
“And so it came to pass in a field on the outskirts of Bethlehem that there was a crash of thunder, the clouds parted and an image of the angel Gabrielle appeared before three terrified shepherds.”

.{The angel Gabrielle, played by Marjorie Threapleton is stood on top of the snooker table wearing a blanket, a halo made from an old coat hanger and bacofoil wings}

“Fear not for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy that shall be to all people. For this day is born to you a saviour who is Christ the lord, thou shall find the infant wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger. Glory to God in the highest and peace to all men”.

{The shepherds look aghast}
"Can you speak up love, I didn’t catch a word of that, I got the “fear not” bit but couldn’t make out the rest”,
{ his fellow shepherd is busy pouring himself a pint of meade into a rude cup}

“What she say Joe?”

“I dunno, summat about a kid wrapped in goblin clothes and pissed are all men – what you reckon?”

“Could be a fancy dress party I spose – d´you fancy it?”

“I, go on, Beryl’s at the bingo, and the fish shop doesn’t open till half nine, - follow that star!”

{Meanwhile in Bethlehem town centre Mary and Joseph – played by Tommy Fingleton and his wife Dot – approach a stern looking Inn keeper}

SCENE 2.

{The foyer – The Innkeeper (played by the concert chairman) is sat watching a small portable black and white television which is perched on an old domino table with a beer mat under one leg}

Joseph – “Excuse me please, but I am just a poor carpenter and me and my wife here have been travelling for some hours, we are exhausted, have had little food and we are with child, I’m just wondering, - have you any vacancies?”
Inn Keeper – “What!?, - are you members?”

Joseph; - “No, we’re not I’m afraid, and it’s getting very late”

Inn keeper; - “Too bloody right it is, now piss off!!”

Joseph – “Oh, this is terrible, although we have no money I could per chance knock you up a bed side cabinet our something”

Innkeeper – “Yes, well, as it happens, you’re lucky, - the steward hasn’t tilled up yet and we’re having a lock in, - I’d invite you through to the lounge but we don’t allow kids in the best room I’m afraid.”

{Mary and Joseph skip with elation through the foyer}

Innkeeper – “OW!!, where the hell do you think you’re going with that sodding donkey!, - you’ll have to stick it in the car park, and when you come back in make sure you sign in.”

{Mary and Joseph do as they’re told, but have problems re entering the building when the intercom breaks down}
Innkeeper; - (scrutinizing their signatures in the signing in book)

“Galilee Joiners welfare club eh!?, - not a bad little club that. My sister Jean used to do the sarnies on games night there, - they’re not that keen on bacon apparently."

{The Innkeeper introduces the stricken couple to the steward and a couple of committee men at the bar}

SCENE 3 {The lounge bar – a gathering of local members, - red nosed portly men wrapped in bed sheets with tea towels on their heads}

Joseph – “I am very pleased to meet you, I am Joseph, and this is my wife the virgin Mary”
{there’s a guffaw of laughter}

Committee man. – “Yeh, right!, - a virgin at sixty! – av you heard this Nigel? - her legs must have been together longer than Status Quo for god’s sake!!”

Mary; - “Ah, yes, well anyway, we were wondering if you could let us stay for the night, if your rooms are full, then maybe the barn?”

Steward; - “We haven’t got one of them love, but if you’re desperate you could always rough it in the cellar, it will muffle the kids squawking a bit and you can even stick the donkey in there as long as you promise to clear up the mess. Mind you, you’ll have to be out in the morning , I’ve got Tetleys round first thing and I don’t want reporting to the brewery.”

{Just then there is a knock on the door, and the three shepherds arrive stamping their feet and blowing into their hands, as the Inn keeper impatiently peers through the window and opens the door}.

1st shepherd; “Good evening kind sir, this indeed is the most glorious of occasions – do you know you’re in the presence of the lord?”

Inkeeper; (rolling his eyes upward) “Oh Christ, Jehovas witnesses, that’s all we need!, I bought a watchtower from you lot the last time you came on the proviso that you’d give me a wide berth in future, let me guess, - we’re all gonna die in 2015!?

2nd Shepherd – “No, no you miss understand, the child on your premises, that is the son of god!”

Inn keeper – “What!, with ginger hair, I don’t bloody well think so!. Well. You’d better come in I suppose, you’ll have to take your sandals off mind, we’ve just mopped up.”

{There is another knock on the door – it’s the three kings, played by Tommy Etherigton, Nobby Clarke and “Piggy” Greenfield}

Inn keeper – “Oh for f…….!!, who the hell’s this?, - it’s like Picadilly circus round ere tonight.”

{The Innkeeper scowls at the first king dressed in a curly wig, stripy night shirt and slippers}

Innkeeper – “Come on then wee willy winky, let’s be having you, best come in and take the weight off yer lantern, - what is it?”

1st King – “Where is he who is born king of the jews?, for we have seen his star in the east and have come to adore him.



Inkeeper – “Yes, yes, whatever,- the sprogg’s in the cellar”

{The Innkeeper sighs as the second of the three kings hangs his crown on the dartboard light}

Inkeeper – “Its all bollocks is this!!!, all this shite about some kid born to be king, - you’re only round here cos you’ve heard we’re having a lock in – come on, be honest!”

3rd King – “We have travelled many miles on camel from far away in the east, and ask only to see the infant”

{The Innkeeper muses for a second, seemingly weakening to their plight}

The Inkeeper – “On camel you say? – can’t say it surprises me, - it’s a hell of a job to get a taxi round here on Christmas Eve at the best of times. You best come in, but there’s no free ale mind, we don’t want the police round here again – we’ve already got a stray donkey in the car park and a couple of gypo´s down the cellar thank you very much.”

{One of the shepherds goes over to the three kings to make his acquaintance}.

Shepherd 1 – “Alright lads, hows it going?, we’ve just got ere ourselves and there’s nowt much happening I’m afraid, - haven’t seen hide nor hair of a sausage roll or a volavont and they’re a bit shy of getting behind the bar an all. I see you’ve brought your own”.

{He said motioning towards the box in the first king´s hands.}

1st king. – “No, actually this is myrrh”

Shepherd 1 – “Is that that Egyptian lager?”

1st king – “No, it’s a gift for the infant”

Shepherd 1 – “I wouldn’t waste it on him if I were you, don’t think he would appreciate it somehow, me on the other hand, - I think I’ve got me tankard here somewhere.”

{The Inn keeper shouts down the cellar}

Inn keeper – “OW! Nigel, it’s heaving up here, what do you want me to do?, - shall I re-open the bar, I’ve got thirsty shepherds, three wise men or kings or whatever they call themselves, and they’ve brought with them gold, frankincense and Myrrh.”

The Steward. – “Well you can get shot of them buggers for starters, they were crap last time – paid em off after twenty minutes, - “Pickety Witch” tribute band if I remember rightly.”

Inn keeper – “Uh?”

The Steward. - “Aren’t they that bloody awful trio we had on for the pigeon do last year? – what do they look like?”
Inn keeper – “Well, they’re sort of small boxes wrapped in Christmas paper with red ribbons tied round em.”
The Steward – “No, that doesn’t ring a bell to be honest.”

The Innkeeper – “They say that they’ve only come to see the child”

The Steward. - “Oh, right. Likely story, - you best send em down anyway.”

SCENE 4. {In the cellar. Mary ,Joseph, the three kings, the shepherds, club steward, the Innkeeper are gathered round an old walkers crisp box}

Shepherd 1 – “He’s a fine looking young man and that’s a fact, He’ll be king of the jews one day, you’ll see, I can already see an aura around his head”

Innkeeper.- “They’re mosquito’s I think you’ll find, we’ve not had the pest control round for a bit, - well, there was no need after king Herod ordered the slaughtering of all the cockroaches under two years of age, after he found one in his bed – a bit of a temper on him that lad.”

{One of the three kings wanders over to the crisp box, smiles lovingly and inquires of nobody in particular}

King 2 – “Pray tell, what is the child’s name?”

{Just then there is a clatter – The Innkeeper has just tripped over a shepherds crook and lands face down in a pile of donkey droppings with a case of mixers on his back}

Innkeeper – “Jesus Christ all bastard mighty!!!!”

{Without looking up, the King muses}

King 2 – “Mmmm, - it might catch on – not sure about the middle name though”.

{As the Innkeeper wipes himself down with a beer towel one of the shepherds emerges from behind a gas canister smiling broadly}

Shepherd 3 – “I’ve just got back from the takeaway – no kebabs left – just 5 loaves and 2 fishes, - said they’d deliver in 5 minutes!”

The Steward. – “Nice one! – I’ve just been upstairs and poured us all a rams bladder cup full of best bitter, it’s about time we wet the baby’s head I reckon. – Right then, who’s for a sing song?”

{The happy throng energetically throw themselves into a familiar Christmas carol – sang to the tune of “Once in Royal David’s city”}

--------------------------------------------------------------

“Once in Royal Benidorm city, stood a lowly social club,
Where a mother laid her baby,
Cos there’s no room, - in the pub.
Mary had a half of mild, - a glass of Tizer for the child.

The steward he kindly brought a beer towel, - and wrapped the boy inside of it,
The Inn - keeper took a tumble, swore a lot, – covered all the kings in shit,
The shepherds challenged  the kings at darts,
Praise the lord, -  all pissed as farts”.

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And hence everybody went on to live happily ever after - (except for Jesus who was crucified).

Tuesday 14 December 2010

Article From Our Club Journal

This article appeared in our club journal “The Cumberland Claptrap” in the “Across the years” section.

Many people in our club are aware of our concert chairman as an affable and friendly character, always on hand to lend a hand, and a smile for everyone, - but alas this wasn´t always the case. Back in the 70´s he was once drafted in at the last minute to wrestle a true legend of the sport, - Mick McManus. The Chairman himself takes up the story.

“Aye, it were a right funny do were that. This were around 1971 and the wrestling on ITV´s World of Sport were all the rage and I had this idea that it would be a good idea to set up a ring in the games room and try and get a couple of wrestlers down and fight it out - and my wife Elsie used to go to the bingo with Kent Walton´s wife, and he could pull a few strings in them days. We needed a goody and a baddy to do it right so we booked Mick McManus who not many people had heard of at the time, - he looked a bit different then, he didn´t have his pot belly and he had a big bushy beard, and looked quite scary as it goes.- He actually got Wilf our doorman in a boston strangle hold when he asked him to sign in. The other one we booked was Les Kellet who was a very funny man and always put me in mind of Charlie Drake.

 Anyway, everything was set for the Saturday night, we´d arranged everything just right. We´d got Tom Staples to introduce it cos he looked a bit like Dickie Davis, and we´d sorted it so all these vicious looking old women with umbrellas (Ladies darts team) were sat in the front row and we plied em with a few port and lemons to fire em up. When it came for the time to start there was no sign of Les Kellett. It turned out later that some bloke had accidentally brushed him with his elbow in the supermarket and Les had stumbled across the aisle as if in a daze and bouncing in slow motion off the shelves sending dozens of tins of marrowfat peas and packets of Birds Custard scattering in all directions. He then collapsed theatrically to the floor, and staying down as if shot, then springing to his feet at the count of 9 leaping across the bacon counter and wrestling the poor bloke to the floor in a pin fall. – Anyway he was arrested.

That left Mick with no opponent and it all went a bit quiet when I asked for volunteers to fill in, so it was down to me to strip down to me Y-fronts and do the business. I were a bit out of me depth to be honest, I just tried to remember a few moves I had seen from the following week when there had been a tag match between the Royal Brothers versus Jim Brakes – who always said “No,no not the ears” - and Kendo Nagasaki, who never had a problem with his ears cos he wore a mask. Anyway, I started off ok, crouching down slightly and slapping him around the face a bit like I´d seen Mark “Rollerball” Rocco do once, but it soon went pear shaped when he grabbed me by the throat with one hand and shoved his other hand down me pants and squeezed me testicles until me face went blue – that can´t be right surely? But the referee didn´t seem to see it. The next thing I know he´s bouncing me off the ropes whilst he bounced himself off the ropes at the other side and then flattened me with a fore arm smash as we met in the middle,- just as I was pulling me underpants up. He then got me in a headlock and shoved me head in the water bucket, pulled me head out by me hair and then dunked me head in again several times. Just as I was getting me breath back he battered me around the buttocks with his stool, flattened me with a punch on the blind side of the referee and then stamped on me foot as he went to shake hands. – I thought I´d done quite well actually considering the only un armed combat I´d done before was with the wife, but the referee saw it differently. Fortunately I was in a position to prove that Mr. McManus hadn´t signed in and therefore I was pronounced the winner, - so I retired there and then with a 100% record."