I´ve been lining up some top turns for our club, we auditioned “Screaming lord Beaverbrook and his bonking bullocks”, and “Terry Titlock – stage chicken sexer” just last week but they weren´t really suitable. Over the years I´ve worked with all the modern greats, such household names as Charlie Flange, Mungo Dumpling, “Victor Splattergun – the human cowpat” and Bernie Clifton. So I know talent when I see it, but if truth be known there´s not a lot out there. So, if you are a club turn, and you wish to work at our club – please fill in this multiple choice application form –
1. You are singing a ballad when one of our members comes to the front of the stage and drops his trousers. Do you -
(a) Drop YOUR trousers.
(b) Sing “Little stick of Blackpool rock”
(c) Say “That reminds me, I must buy some of those button mushrooms from Morrisons”
2. Our Concert secretary insists on singing “My Way” in the middle of your spot, do you –
(a) Tell him that would be a wonderful idea and hand him the microphone.
(b) Say that maybe it would be best if you sang the song.
(c) Simply ignore him, turn to a member of the audience and mouth the word “tosser” when you think he isn´t looking.
3. You are sat on the toilet when suddenly and without warning our concert chairman announces you to the stage for your second spot. Do you –
(a) Finish your doings, before calmly washing your hands, walking into the concert room and taking your place on stage to desultory applause because our audience have been kept waiting.
(b) Pretend you haven´t heard him and just sit there despairing of the day you ever took up the entertainment business.
(c) Nip it off, scramble to the door whilst pulling up your underpants, run on to stage red faced, snatch the microphone from our chairman whilst calling him a “useless bastard” under your breath.
4. Our keyboard player and drummer are pissed, and are making a complete pigs ear of your opening song. Do you –
(a) Fumble along blindly until you get to a bit that you vaguely recognize and then join in half heartedly.
(b) Turn around abruptly, and insist that they start again, - this time from the beginning.
(c) Throw down the microphone, march over to the drummer (who is generally the more pissed of the two), pull down his trousers and ram one of the drumsticks up his bum piece.
5. Some infuriating parent is encouraging her little brat of a 5 year old son to dance right in front of you whilst you are performing. Do you –
(a) Smile at them both, and start dancing with the infant.
(b) Pretend you haven´t seen either of them and slyly move to the other side of the stage and sing there.
(c) Grab hold of the snotty nosed oik by his grubby little chav top and drop kick him towards the fire exit.
6. You have just died an absolute death, and at the conclusion of your 45 minute set, even though there isn´t even the merest hint of even a smattering of applause, our Concert Chairman insists you do an encore. Do you –
(a) Inwardly squirm like an eel in a vat of cooking fat, but smile graciously and knock out one last song which seems to take about half an hour to sing.
(b) Shake your head vigorously from the wings mouthing the words “I don´t bloody think so” and hope he gets the message.
(c) Blow a giant raspberry down the microphone and protrude your right arm from behind the curtain revealing a clenched fist with your middle finger stuck steadfastly upwards.
7. You arrive at the club on time but our concert secretary insists that you are an hour late and threatens to dock half of your money. Do you –
(a) Politely inform him that this was the time you were informed to turn up and show him a copy of the email from your agent.
(b) Tell him he is wanted on the phone, and when his back is turned smile to yourself and go and get changed.
(c) Burst a blood vessel, scream in his face that he hasn´t got a clue what he´s talking about, then quickly manoeuvre behind him and garrotte him with his own tie.
8. You have just been informed that the dressing room is out of bounds because of a burst pipe and you have to get changed in the toilets. Do you –
(a) Resign yourself to having to hop about on one leg splashing about in pools of urine whilst trying to keep your trousers dry.
(b) Ask if it´s possible to per chance get changed somewhere else, preferably somewhere where there isn´t someone sat at the side of you “taking his ease”.
(c) Waltz straight round to the coat rack, pick up the concert secretary´s scarf and flush it down the bog.
9. One of the committee is having a noisy conversation about his pigeons whilst playing the fruit machine about 3 feet from where you are standing, whilst another committee man peers over his shoulder and predictably says “Hold yer plums”. Do you –
(a) Pretend you haven´t heard it and pick a loud song that will drown out the chatter.
(b) Force a laugh, and then sing “Money, money,money” by Abba.
(c) Say, “No,- let me do that” before reaching over and grabbing his testicles in a vice like grip, before twisting them round, leaving him contorted and gasping for air on the tiled floor.
10. You have a serious accident in the dressing room, breaking your arm. This has happened because the one chair in the dressing room which had only been placed there by the concert secretary because it had several loose screws and was too dangerous for our members to sit on, had given way when you plonked your rear end on it. Do you –
(a) Take a couple of pain killers, and gallantly go ahead with the show holding the microphone in your one good hand.
(b) Instruct the committee that you´ve just had about had enough of their slipshod ways and will be phoning “Claims Direct” as soon as you get back from hospital.
(c) Seek out the concert secretary, cornering him in the tap room, gently insert a loaded pistol into his mouth and blow his bloody head off.
