Another chance to catch up with our somewhat farcical nativity play from 2007, as it appeared in our club journal "The Cumberland Claptrap".
"We would like to thank all of those who attended our production of the nativity play this year. Unfortunately, due to a somewhat lengthy committee meeting just before we started, some of our members were slightly intoxicated and what follows is an exact account of what came out on the night, rather than the scripted version which sadly went out of the window at an early stage. We especially apologise to the members of the local day centre who unfortunately walked out in the interval. (without their carers in many cases)."
NATIVITY PLAY.
SCENE 1
{The three shepherds played by Joe Scraggs, Bob Merryman and “Chimp” Simpkins are dressed in blankets tied up with string and are stood between two stuffed sheep}
[Narrator]
“And so it came to pass in a field on the outskirts of Bethlehem that there was a crash of thunder, the clouds parted and an image of the angel Gabrielle appeared before three terrified shepherds.”
.{The angel Gabrielle, played by Marjorie Threapleton is stood on top of the snooker table wearing a blanket, a halo made from an old coat hanger and bacofoil wings}
“Fear not for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy that shall be to all people. For this day is born to you a saviour who is Christ the lord, thou shall find the infant wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger. Glory to God in the highest and peace to all men”.
{The shepherds look aghast}
"Can you speak up love, I didn’t catch a word of that, I got the “fear not” bit but couldn’t make out the rest”,
{ his fellow shepherd is busy pouring himself a pint of meade into a rude cup}
“What she say Joe?”
“I dunno, summat about a kid wrapped in goblin clothes and pissed are all men – what you reckon?”
“Could be a fancy dress party I spose – d´you fancy it?”
“I, go on, Beryl’s at the bingo, and the fish shop doesn’t open till half nine, - follow that star!”
{Meanwhile in Bethlehem town centre Mary and Joseph – played by Tommy Fingleton and his wife Dot – approach a stern looking Inn keeper}
SCENE 2.
{The foyer – The Innkeeper (played by the concert chairman) is sat watching a small portable black and white television which is perched on an old domino table with a beer mat under one leg}
Joseph – “Excuse me please, but I am just a poor carpenter and me and my wife here have been travelling for some hours, we are exhausted, have had little food and we are with child, I’m just wondering, - have you any vacancies?”
Inn Keeper – “What!?, - are you members?”
Joseph; - “No, we’re not I’m afraid, and it’s getting very late”
Inn keeper; - “Too bloody right it is, now piss off!!”
Joseph – “Oh, this is terrible, although we have no money I could per chance knock you up a bed side cabinet our something”
Innkeeper – “Yes, well, as it happens, you’re lucky, - the steward hasn’t tilled up yet and we’re having a lock in, - I’d invite you through to the lounge but we don’t allow kids in the best room I’m afraid.”
{Mary and Joseph skip with elation through the foyer}
Innkeeper – “OW!!, where the hell do you think you’re going with that sodding donkey!, - you’ll have to stick it in the car park, and when you come back in make sure you sign in.”
{Mary and Joseph do as they’re told, but have problems re entering the building when the intercom breaks down}
Innkeeper; - (scrutinizing their signatures in the signing in book)
“Galilee Joiners welfare club eh!?, - not a bad little club that. My sister Jean used to do the sarnies on games night there, - they’re not that keen on bacon apparently."
{The Innkeeper introduces the stricken couple to the steward and a couple of committee men at the bar}
SCENE 3 {The lounge bar – a gathering of local members, - red nosed portly men wrapped in bed sheets with tea towels on their heads}
Joseph – “I am very pleased to meet you, I am Joseph, and this is my wife the virgin Mary”
{there’s a guffaw of laughter}
Committee man. – “Yeh, right!, - a virgin at sixty! – av you heard this Nigel? - her legs must have been together longer than Status Quo for god’s sake!!”
Mary; - “Ah, yes, well anyway, we were wondering if you could let us stay for the night, if your rooms are full, then maybe the barn?”
Steward; - “We haven’t got one of them love, but if you’re desperate you could always rough it in the cellar, it will muffle the kids squawking a bit and you can even stick the donkey in there as long as you promise to clear up the mess. Mind you, you’ll have to be out in the morning , I’ve got Tetleys round first thing and I don’t want reporting to the brewery.”
{Just then there is a knock on the door, and the three shepherds arrive stamping their feet and blowing into their hands, as the Inn keeper impatiently peers through the window and opens the door}.
1st shepherd; “Good evening kind sir, this indeed is the most glorious of occasions – do you know you’re in the presence of the lord?”
Inkeeper; (rolling his eyes upward) “Oh Christ, Jehovas witnesses, that’s all we need!, I bought a watchtower from you lot the last time you came on the proviso that you’d give me a wide berth in future, let me guess, - we’re all gonna die in 2015!?
2nd Shepherd – “No, no you miss understand, the child on your premises, that is the son of god!”
Inn keeper – “What!, with ginger hair, I don’t bloody well think so!. Well. You’d better come in I suppose, you’ll have to take your sandals off mind, we’ve just mopped up.”
{There is another knock on the door – it’s the three kings, played by Tommy Etherigton, Nobby Clarke and “Piggy” Greenfield}
Inn keeper – “Oh for f…….!!, who the hell’s this?, - it’s like Picadilly circus round ere tonight.”
{The Innkeeper scowls at the first king dressed in a curly wig, stripy night shirt and slippers}
Innkeeper – “Come on then wee willy winky, let’s be having you, best come in and take the weight off yer lantern, - what is it?”
1st King – “Where is he who is born king of the jews?, for we have seen his star in the east and have come to adore him.
Inkeeper – “Yes, yes, whatever,- the sprogg’s in the cellar”
{The Innkeeper sighs as the second of the three kings hangs his crown on the dartboard light}
Inkeeper – “Its all bollocks is this!!!, all this shite about some kid born to be king, - you’re only round here cos you’ve heard we’re having a lock in – come on, be honest!”
3rd King – “We have travelled many miles on camel from far away in the east, and ask only to see the infant”
{The Innkeeper muses for a second, seemingly weakening to their plight}
The Inkeeper – “On camel you say? – can’t say it surprises me, - it’s a hell of a job to get a taxi round here on Christmas Eve at the best of times. You best come in, but there’s no free ale mind, we don’t want the police round here again – we’ve already got a stray donkey in the car park and a couple of gypo´s down the cellar thank you very much.”
{One of the shepherds goes over to the three kings to make his acquaintance}.
Shepherd 1 – “Alright lads, hows it going?, we’ve just got ere ourselves and there’s nowt much happening I’m afraid, - haven’t seen hide nor hair of a sausage roll or a volavont and they’re a bit shy of getting behind the bar an all. I see you’ve brought your own”.
{He said motioning towards the box in the first king´s hands.}
1st king. – “No, actually this is myrrh”
Shepherd 1 – “Is that that Egyptian lager?”
1st king – “No, it’s a gift for the infant”
Shepherd 1 – “I wouldn’t waste it on him if I were you, don’t think he would appreciate it somehow, me on the other hand, - I think I’ve got me tankard here somewhere.”
{The Inn keeper shouts down the cellar}
Inn keeper – “OW! Nigel, it’s heaving up here, what do you want me to do?, - shall I re-open the bar, I’ve got thirsty shepherds, three wise men or kings or whatever they call themselves, and they’ve brought with them gold, frankincense and Myrrh.”
The Steward. – “Well you can get shot of them buggers for starters, they were crap last time – paid em off after twenty minutes, - “Pickety Witch” tribute band if I remember rightly.”
Inn keeper – “Uh?”
The Steward. - “Aren’t they that bloody awful trio we had on for the pigeon do last year? – what do they look like?”
Inn keeper – “Well, they’re sort of small boxes wrapped in Christmas paper with red ribbons tied round em.”
The Steward – “No, that doesn’t ring a bell to be honest.”
The Innkeeper – “They say that they’ve only come to see the child”
The Steward. - “Oh, right. Likely story, - you best send em down anyway.”
SCENE 4. {In the cellar. Mary ,Joseph, the three kings, the shepherds, club steward, the Innkeeper are gathered round an old walkers crisp box}
Shepherd 1 – “He’s a fine looking young man and that’s a fact, He’ll be king of the jews one day, you’ll see, I can already see an aura around his head”
Innkeeper.- “They’re mosquito’s I think you’ll find, we’ve not had the pest control round for a bit, - well, there was no need after king Herod ordered the slaughtering of all the cockroaches under two years of age, after he found one in his bed – a bit of a temper on him that lad.”
{One of the three kings wanders over to the crisp box, smiles lovingly and inquires of nobody in particular}
King 2 – “Pray tell, what is the child’s name?”
{Just then there is a clatter – The Innkeeper has just tripped over a shepherds crook and lands face down in a pile of donkey droppings with a case of mixers on his back}
Innkeeper – “Jesus Christ all bastard mighty!!!!”
{Without looking up, the King muses}
King 2 – “Mmmm, - it might catch on – not sure about the middle name though”.
{As the Innkeeper wipes himself down with a beer towel one of the shepherds emerges from behind a gas canister smiling broadly}
Shepherd 3 – “I’ve just got back from the takeaway – no kebabs left – just 5 loaves and 2 fishes, - said they’d deliver in 5 minutes!”
The Steward. – “Nice one! – I’ve just been upstairs and poured us all a rams bladder cup full of best bitter, it’s about time we wet the baby’s head I reckon. – Right then, who’s for a sing song?”
{The happy throng energetically throw themselves into a familiar Christmas carol – sang to the tune of “Once in Royal David’s city”}
--------------------------------------------------------------
“Once in Royal Benidorm city, stood a lowly social club,
Where a mother laid her baby,
Cos there’s no room, - in the pub.
Mary had a half of mild, - a glass of Tizer for the child.
The steward he kindly brought a beer towel, - and wrapped the boy inside of it,
The Inn - keeper took a tumble, swore a lot, – covered all the kings in shit,
The shepherds challenged the kings at darts,
Praise the lord, - all pissed as farts”.
------------------------------------------------------
And hence everybody went on to live happily ever after - (except for Jesus who was crucified).
Sunday 19 December 2010
Tuesday 14 December 2010
Article From Our Club Journal
This article appeared in our club journal “The Cumberland Claptrap” in the “Across the years” section.
Many people in our club are aware of our concert chairman as an affable and friendly character, always on hand to lend a hand, and a smile for everyone, - but alas this wasn´t always the case. Back in the 70´s he was once drafted in at the last minute to wrestle a true legend of the sport, - Mick McManus. The Chairman himself takes up the story.
“Aye, it were a right funny do were that. This were around 1971 and the wrestling on ITV´s World of Sport were all the rage and I had this idea that it would be a good idea to set up a ring in the games room and try and get a couple of wrestlers down and fight it out - and my wife Elsie used to go to the bingo with Kent Walton´s wife, and he could pull a few strings in them days. We needed a goody and a baddy to do it right so we booked Mick McManus who not many people had heard of at the time, - he looked a bit different then, he didn´t have his pot belly and he had a big bushy beard, and looked quite scary as it goes.- He actually got Wilf our doorman in a boston strangle hold when he asked him to sign in. The other one we booked was Les Kellet who was a very funny man and always put me in mind of Charlie Drake.
Anyway, everything was set for the Saturday night, we´d arranged everything just right. We´d got Tom Staples to introduce it cos he looked a bit like Dickie Davis, and we´d sorted it so all these vicious looking old women with umbrellas (Ladies darts team) were sat in the front row and we plied em with a few port and lemons to fire em up. When it came for the time to start there was no sign of Les Kellett. It turned out later that some bloke had accidentally brushed him with his elbow in the supermarket and Les had stumbled across the aisle as if in a daze and bouncing in slow motion off the shelves sending dozens of tins of marrowfat peas and packets of Birds Custard scattering in all directions. He then collapsed theatrically to the floor, and staying down as if shot, then springing to his feet at the count of 9 leaping across the bacon counter and wrestling the poor bloke to the floor in a pin fall. – Anyway he was arrested.
That left Mick with no opponent and it all went a bit quiet when I asked for volunteers to fill in, so it was down to me to strip down to me Y-fronts and do the business. I were a bit out of me depth to be honest, I just tried to remember a few moves I had seen from the following week when there had been a tag match between the Royal Brothers versus Jim Brakes – who always said “No,no not the ears” - and Kendo Nagasaki, who never had a problem with his ears cos he wore a mask. Anyway, I started off ok, crouching down slightly and slapping him around the face a bit like I´d seen Mark “Rollerball” Rocco do once, but it soon went pear shaped when he grabbed me by the throat with one hand and shoved his other hand down me pants and squeezed me testicles until me face went blue – that can´t be right surely? But the referee didn´t seem to see it. The next thing I know he´s bouncing me off the ropes whilst he bounced himself off the ropes at the other side and then flattened me with a fore arm smash as we met in the middle,- just as I was pulling me underpants up. He then got me in a headlock and shoved me head in the water bucket, pulled me head out by me hair and then dunked me head in again several times. Just as I was getting me breath back he battered me around the buttocks with his stool, flattened me with a punch on the blind side of the referee and then stamped on me foot as he went to shake hands. – I thought I´d done quite well actually considering the only un armed combat I´d done before was with the wife, but the referee saw it differently. Fortunately I was in a position to prove that Mr. McManus hadn´t signed in and therefore I was pronounced the winner, - so I retired there and then with a 100% record."
Many people in our club are aware of our concert chairman as an affable and friendly character, always on hand to lend a hand, and a smile for everyone, - but alas this wasn´t always the case. Back in the 70´s he was once drafted in at the last minute to wrestle a true legend of the sport, - Mick McManus. The Chairman himself takes up the story.
“Aye, it were a right funny do were that. This were around 1971 and the wrestling on ITV´s World of Sport were all the rage and I had this idea that it would be a good idea to set up a ring in the games room and try and get a couple of wrestlers down and fight it out - and my wife Elsie used to go to the bingo with Kent Walton´s wife, and he could pull a few strings in them days. We needed a goody and a baddy to do it right so we booked Mick McManus who not many people had heard of at the time, - he looked a bit different then, he didn´t have his pot belly and he had a big bushy beard, and looked quite scary as it goes.- He actually got Wilf our doorman in a boston strangle hold when he asked him to sign in. The other one we booked was Les Kellet who was a very funny man and always put me in mind of Charlie Drake.
That left Mick with no opponent and it all went a bit quiet when I asked for volunteers to fill in, so it was down to me to strip down to me Y-fronts and do the business. I were a bit out of me depth to be honest, I just tried to remember a few moves I had seen from the following week when there had been a tag match between the Royal Brothers versus Jim Brakes – who always said “No,no not the ears” - and Kendo Nagasaki, who never had a problem with his ears cos he wore a mask. Anyway, I started off ok, crouching down slightly and slapping him around the face a bit like I´d seen Mark “Rollerball” Rocco do once, but it soon went pear shaped when he grabbed me by the throat with one hand and shoved his other hand down me pants and squeezed me testicles until me face went blue – that can´t be right surely? But the referee didn´t seem to see it. The next thing I know he´s bouncing me off the ropes whilst he bounced himself off the ropes at the other side and then flattened me with a fore arm smash as we met in the middle,- just as I was pulling me underpants up. He then got me in a headlock and shoved me head in the water bucket, pulled me head out by me hair and then dunked me head in again several times. Just as I was getting me breath back he battered me around the buttocks with his stool, flattened me with a punch on the blind side of the referee and then stamped on me foot as he went to shake hands. – I thought I´d done quite well actually considering the only un armed combat I´d done before was with the wife, but the referee saw it differently. Fortunately I was in a position to prove that Mr. McManus hadn´t signed in and therefore I was pronounced the winner, - so I retired there and then with a 100% record."
Wednesday 24 November 2010
November Fiestas
I would like to thank all of our members that turned up for fancy dress day at the club last Thursday. I would like to thank all of you personally, but I´m not sure who was who to be honest. I know that the bloke who looked like Charles 2nd was our steward, and our stewardess came as Juliet Bravo, but that´s about it. Personally, I came as rock legend Freddie Garrity, - no hang on, that´s not right, - I mean Freddie Mercury from the famous pop group “The Queens” – so called cos they were all homosexual probably. It´s a shame my wife Elsie couldn´t make it in the end through ill health, as she´d spent an age making that Rudolph Hess costume up, but she said she might get some wear out of it when she attends the senior citizens novelty bring and buy sale at the church hall on Friday. The day went off without a hitch in the main, apart from Max Wall laddering his tights and Coco the clown being sexually assaulted by the Pink Panther.
Friday 29 October 2010
Article from the latest issue of the "Cumberland Claptrap" - our club journal
Two of our members, Sid and Pauline Dunhill have made it to the semi finals of TV´s favourite “Strictly Come Dancing” competition. After a particularly gruelling practice session whereby I watched a surprisingly youthful looking Sid lift Pauline up by the gusset of her tights and swing her round his head a couple of times before expertly perch her on his shoulder – before she fell off. “She´s bloody useless” jokes Sid.” I told her it was gonna be hard work was this, but she insisted on having a go. She just wanted to see if the old magic was still there (She was the All-Beeston Hopskotch runner up of 1945/46 season). But basically I think she just wanted to meet up with Bruce Forsyth again. Not many people know that we appeared on the “Generation game” back in the 70´s. That were a right laugh were that. We had to make this Christmas pudding or summat – I forget now, but we got in a right state. Ended up with icing sugar all over, I do remember that some mysteriously ended up on Anthea Redfern´s breasts – I got a right bollocking for that – from Pauline AND Bruce, - cos he were knocking her off at the time if I remember rightly. Anyway the senile old sod didn´t remember us when we turned up on the set for “Strictly” last week, even though we introduced ourselves as “Mr. And Mrs. Dunhill from Beeston”, which was how Anthea had introduced us back then. I reminded him about the Christmas pudding and everything bit he just stared blankly at us. To be honest he´s been a right misery ever since we turned up here, and he´s been a bloody nuisance with the women, - hanging around each and every one of em like a fly round a cow´s arse”.
Pauline is obviously excited as she eagerly tells me about her day. “Oh, it´s been marvellous, don´t listen to Sid, Bruce has been lovely, - he´s just jealous. All because he caught me and Brucie – as I call him, linked arms outside the television centre. I tried to tell Sid that I were just walking him across the road to the bus stop, but he were having none of it. I got to dance with him an all, and what a mover he is for a man of his age, and so charming. He told me it was “Nice to see me – to see me nice”, and then asked me to “Give us a twirl”. I was in heaven, we got on like a house on fire and I´ve invited him to the “Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s Club” reunion in Blackpool next year, - and he giggled when I said that we could have a Foxtrot to Reginald Dixon at the mighty Wurlitzer in the Tower Ballroom. He said he would do but he wasn´t too keen on Blackpool. – Because it tends to be so windy, and he said that the odd time he´s been there he´s had to tie a bootlace around his head to keep his wig on – aarh bless!”
You can see Sid and Pauline this week on “Slightly Come Dancing” BBC1 – 9pm.
Saturday 2 October 2010
Dominoes Team Annual Trip
As usual we had our annual trip for our dominoes team, what we have every year. We have had some great do´s over the years, in recent years we´ve been to Albir Buff Club, and then last year we went to a Bullfight. – That were a mistake actually, I misread the leaflet, I thought it said “Bunfight” – we were going to do our bit for “Comic Relief” you see. Felt a bit ridiculous as it happens when we turned up in the middle of summer in those see through pac-a-mac´s what you can get in the Chinese shops and half a pound of Vanilla Slices, but anyway.
Club funds have been very low this year and we couldn´t afford owt fancy, so Charlie Barrett kindly said we could use at his allotment. – Luckily he brews his own ale, and now he´s started making his own wine. I think he even treads the grapes himself. I say this cos when Wilf Naylor tried some he choked on a corn plaster and next day a verruca sprouted up on the end of his nose.
A good day was had by all. We had a couple by the compost heap where Charlie gave a small talk on manure and the preparation there of, he then showed us some runner beans before we retired to his potting shed to watch “Carry on camping” on a small projector he´s got in there.
All the lads on the team would like to thank Charlie for his time and effort, and we would all especially like to thank Charlie´s wife Annie – for staying out of the way.
A good day was had by all. We had a couple by the compost heap where Charlie gave a small talk on manure and the preparation there of, he then showed us some runner beans before we retired to his potting shed to watch “Carry on camping” on a small projector he´s got in there.
All the lads on the team would like to thank Charlie for his time and effort, and we would all especially like to thank Charlie´s wife Annie – for staying out of the way.
Monday 6 September 2010
Blackpool Reunion Photos
Once again it were a right good turn out and I would like to thank all our members for making an effort.
Friday 25 June 2010
Fruit and Vegetable Show and Stripper Complaints.
I would like to thank all of you and all of your efforts this year I would especially like to thank
The stripper who appeared at this club of Saturday last has unfortunately resulted in a number of complaints, he was
Charlie Barrett who organised our fruit and vegetable show last Sunday. We are happy to report a good turnout for this and would like to thank our judge Harry Fielding who judged the tomatoes and was
Strutting around naked whilst using foul and abusive language. I would like to point out that I was
happy to help out with the plums as well. Arthur Jessop who celebrated his 80th birthday this year, attained the runners up rosette for his radishes and was accompanied by his wife who was
truly appalled at his behaviour. He ran amok through the audience whilst waving his private parts in the air, and was eventually rugby tackled by Stan Etherington by the domino table, who was
standing proudly by his side, whilst they had their photograph taken. The prize for best spring onions went to Alf Ramage who was also
a little out of breath after his exertions not surprisingly. The stripper then dragged Hilda Olroyd on to the stage who was blindfolded and was humiliated and then
elated with his rhubarb, which came second. We would also like to thank the lady mayoress for presenting some of the prizes. She was serenaded by local school children, shown around the cake stall before being
beaten around the head with a sex toy. Things got so bad that somebody phoned the police, who were taken to the concert room and
shown Jim Spencer´s pickled onions. She complimented Ethel Tomlinson on her chutney and sampled Harry Crump´s home made wine before she
led him away in handcuffs, but then he
had a scone and a cup of tea with the vicars wife. She was then briefly introduced to our president who
ran around taunting the constable with his testicles cupped in the palm of his hand. We would like to apologise wholeheartedly for this, and would like to promise all our members it will never happen again.
then had to attend a pigeon meeting.
P.S I have just realised that some sort of administrative error has occured here and somehow the 2 seperate reports have been inter linked. So you have to read all the red writing together and then the white writing, otherwise it doesn´t make sense. We hope that this hasn´t led to undue confusion.
Regards, The Concert Chairman.
The stripper who appeared at this club of Saturday last has unfortunately resulted in a number of complaints, he was
Charlie Barrett who organised our fruit and vegetable show last Sunday. We are happy to report a good turnout for this and would like to thank our judge Harry Fielding who judged the tomatoes and was
Strutting around naked whilst using foul and abusive language. I would like to point out that I was
happy to help out with the plums as well. Arthur Jessop who celebrated his 80th birthday this year, attained the runners up rosette for his radishes and was accompanied by his wife who was
truly appalled at his behaviour. He ran amok through the audience whilst waving his private parts in the air, and was eventually rugby tackled by Stan Etherington by the domino table, who was
standing proudly by his side, whilst they had their photograph taken. The prize for best spring onions went to Alf Ramage who was also
a little out of breath after his exertions not surprisingly. The stripper then dragged Hilda Olroyd on to the stage who was blindfolded and was humiliated and then
elated with his rhubarb, which came second. We would also like to thank the lady mayoress for presenting some of the prizes. She was serenaded by local school children, shown around the cake stall before being
beaten around the head with a sex toy. Things got so bad that somebody phoned the police, who were taken to the concert room and
shown Jim Spencer´s pickled onions. She complimented Ethel Tomlinson on her chutney and sampled Harry Crump´s home made wine before she
led him away in handcuffs, but then he
had a scone and a cup of tea with the vicars wife. She was then briefly introduced to our president who
ran around taunting the constable with his testicles cupped in the palm of his hand. We would like to apologise wholeheartedly for this, and would like to promise all our members it will never happen again.
then had to attend a pigeon meeting.
P.S I have just realised that some sort of administrative error has occured here and somehow the 2 seperate reports have been inter linked. So you have to read all the red writing together and then the white writing, otherwise it doesn´t make sense. We hope that this hasn´t led to undue confusion.
Regards, The Concert Chairman.
Sunday 30 May 2010
1966 And All That
This is an article from our club journal, “The Cumberland Claptrap” which uses a transcript of a conversation between our club steward Nigel and our concert chairman which took place on the radio recently. They were discussing the fact that world cup matches were this year being shown in the club, and it wasn´t long before our1966 triumph cropped up.
“So Mr. Chairman, do you remember that glorious day in 1966?”
“Remember it!? remember it? – I was there I think you´ll find! though I couldn´t see bugger all cos I was sat behind that bloke that turned up to all of Englands games wearing a bloody great top hat and waving a Union Jack. I remember when the final whistle went and shouting down to Nobby Stiles – “Nobby lad, put tha teeth in, tha´s gonna meet queen in a minute”. – Well, he just chuckled and reached inside his shorts and pulled out his dentures which were wrapped in his hanky and gave this great big smile he did. Of course I knew all the lads personally, - they used to come in our club regular of a Sunday dinner time, Alf Ramsey used to come in first, a very quiet bloke he was with a posh voice, allus used to sit in the corner of the games room with a port and lemon and criticise the tactics used by the lads as they played snooker. The Charlton brothers allus drank Newcastle Brown, Martin Peters used to ghost into the snug with a vodka and tonic and Gordon Banks used to like his cider. I remember one of the lads used to head a packet of crisps to him and he´d throw himself of his stool and tip it over the bar, that were his party piece were that. I also remember that Alan Ball drank Britvik orange cos one of the committee found out he weren´t old enough to drink, Bobby Moore liked his lager and Jimmy Greaves drank, well.........everything really. They always said that they would win the world cup just for me, and when they did they would bring it to the club and put it in our trophy cabinet. Anyway, they were as good as their word, and a couple of days after the final in they came with the world cup in an old duffle bag. A good night was had by all and on his way home Jimmy Greaves stopped at the side of the road, put the world cup under a bush and then had a piss. Unfortunately he left the cup there and if it wasn´t for Reg Brown´s dog “Pickles” (he liked his Picalilly did Reg), finding it during his next morning´s constitutional it´d be still there to this day – great times. I´m the one behind Bobby Moore in the photo which was given to me (and signed) by Nobby Stiles."
“So Mr. Chairman, do you remember that glorious day in 1966?”
Monday 19 April 2010
Club Turns
I´ve been lining up some top turns for our club, we auditioned “Screaming lord Beaverbrook and his bonking bullocks”, and “Terry Titlock – stage chicken sexer” just last week but they weren´t really suitable. Over the years I´ve worked with all the modern greats, such household names as Charlie Flange, Mungo Dumpling, “Victor Splattergun – the human cowpat” and Bernie Clifton. So I know talent when I see it, but if truth be known there´s not a lot out there. So, if you are a club turn, and you wish to work at our club – please fill in this multiple choice application form –
1. You are singing a ballad when one of our members comes to the front of the stage and drops his trousers. Do you -
(a) Drop YOUR trousers.
(b) Sing “Little stick of Blackpool rock”
(c) Say “That reminds me, I must buy some of those button mushrooms from Morrisons”
2. Our Concert secretary insists on singing “My Way” in the middle of your spot, do you –
(a) Tell him that would be a wonderful idea and hand him the microphone.
(b) Say that maybe it would be best if you sang the song.
(c) Simply ignore him, turn to a member of the audience and mouth the word “tosser” when you think he isn´t looking.
3. You are sat on the toilet when suddenly and without warning our concert chairman announces you to the stage for your second spot. Do you –
(a) Finish your doings, before calmly washing your hands, walking into the concert room and taking your place on stage to desultory applause because our audience have been kept waiting.
(b) Pretend you haven´t heard him and just sit there despairing of the day you ever took up the entertainment business.
(c) Nip it off, scramble to the door whilst pulling up your underpants, run on to stage red faced, snatch the microphone from our chairman whilst calling him a “useless bastard” under your breath.
4. Our keyboard player and drummer are pissed, and are making a complete pigs ear of your opening song. Do you –
(a) Fumble along blindly until you get to a bit that you vaguely recognize and then join in half heartedly.
(b) Turn around abruptly, and insist that they start again, - this time from the beginning.
(c) Throw down the microphone, march over to the drummer (who is generally the more pissed of the two), pull down his trousers and ram one of the drumsticks up his bum piece.
5. Some infuriating parent is encouraging her little brat of a 5 year old son to dance right in front of you whilst you are performing. Do you –
(a) Smile at them both, and start dancing with the infant.
(b) Pretend you haven´t seen either of them and slyly move to the other side of the stage and sing there.
(c) Grab hold of the snotty nosed oik by his grubby little chav top and drop kick him towards the fire exit.
6. You have just died an absolute death, and at the conclusion of your 45 minute set, even though there isn´t even the merest hint of even a smattering of applause, our Concert Chairman insists you do an encore. Do you –
(a) Inwardly squirm like an eel in a vat of cooking fat, but smile graciously and knock out one last song which seems to take about half an hour to sing.
(b) Shake your head vigorously from the wings mouthing the words “I don´t bloody think so” and hope he gets the message.
(c) Blow a giant raspberry down the microphone and protrude your right arm from behind the curtain revealing a clenched fist with your middle finger stuck steadfastly upwards.
7. You arrive at the club on time but our concert secretary insists that you are an hour late and threatens to dock half of your money. Do you –
(a) Politely inform him that this was the time you were informed to turn up and show him a copy of the email from your agent.
(b) Tell him he is wanted on the phone, and when his back is turned smile to yourself and go and get changed.
(c) Burst a blood vessel, scream in his face that he hasn´t got a clue what he´s talking about, then quickly manoeuvre behind him and garrotte him with his own tie.
8. You have just been informed that the dressing room is out of bounds because of a burst pipe and you have to get changed in the toilets. Do you –
(a) Resign yourself to having to hop about on one leg splashing about in pools of urine whilst trying to keep your trousers dry.
(b) Ask if it´s possible to per chance get changed somewhere else, preferably somewhere where there isn´t someone sat at the side of you “taking his ease”.
(c) Waltz straight round to the coat rack, pick up the concert secretary´s scarf and flush it down the bog.
9. One of the committee is having a noisy conversation about his pigeons whilst playing the fruit machine about 3 feet from where you are standing, whilst another committee man peers over his shoulder and predictably says “Hold yer plums”. Do you –
(a) Pretend you haven´t heard it and pick a loud song that will drown out the chatter.
(b) Force a laugh, and then sing “Money, money,money” by Abba.
(c) Say, “No,- let me do that” before reaching over and grabbing his testicles in a vice like grip, before twisting them round, leaving him contorted and gasping for air on the tiled floor.
10. You have a serious accident in the dressing room, breaking your arm. This has happened because the one chair in the dressing room which had only been placed there by the concert secretary because it had several loose screws and was too dangerous for our members to sit on, had given way when you plonked your rear end on it. Do you –
(a) Take a couple of pain killers, and gallantly go ahead with the show holding the microphone in your one good hand.
(b) Instruct the committee that you´ve just had about had enough of their slipshod ways and will be phoning “Claims Direct” as soon as you get back from hospital.
(c) Seek out the concert secretary, cornering him in the tap room, gently insert a loaded pistol into his mouth and blow his bloody head off.
1. You are singing a ballad when one of our members comes to the front of the stage and drops his trousers. Do you -
(a) Drop YOUR trousers.
(b) Sing “Little stick of Blackpool rock”
(c) Say “That reminds me, I must buy some of those button mushrooms from Morrisons”
2. Our Concert secretary insists on singing “My Way” in the middle of your spot, do you –
(a) Tell him that would be a wonderful idea and hand him the microphone.
(b) Say that maybe it would be best if you sang the song.
(c) Simply ignore him, turn to a member of the audience and mouth the word “tosser” when you think he isn´t looking.
3. You are sat on the toilet when suddenly and without warning our concert chairman announces you to the stage for your second spot. Do you –
(a) Finish your doings, before calmly washing your hands, walking into the concert room and taking your place on stage to desultory applause because our audience have been kept waiting.
(b) Pretend you haven´t heard him and just sit there despairing of the day you ever took up the entertainment business.
(c) Nip it off, scramble to the door whilst pulling up your underpants, run on to stage red faced, snatch the microphone from our chairman whilst calling him a “useless bastard” under your breath.
4. Our keyboard player and drummer are pissed, and are making a complete pigs ear of your opening song. Do you –
(a) Fumble along blindly until you get to a bit that you vaguely recognize and then join in half heartedly.
(b) Turn around abruptly, and insist that they start again, - this time from the beginning.
(c) Throw down the microphone, march over to the drummer (who is generally the more pissed of the two), pull down his trousers and ram one of the drumsticks up his bum piece.
5. Some infuriating parent is encouraging her little brat of a 5 year old son to dance right in front of you whilst you are performing. Do you –
(a) Smile at them both, and start dancing with the infant.
(b) Pretend you haven´t seen either of them and slyly move to the other side of the stage and sing there.
(c) Grab hold of the snotty nosed oik by his grubby little chav top and drop kick him towards the fire exit.
6. You have just died an absolute death, and at the conclusion of your 45 minute set, even though there isn´t even the merest hint of even a smattering of applause, our Concert Chairman insists you do an encore. Do you –
(a) Inwardly squirm like an eel in a vat of cooking fat, but smile graciously and knock out one last song which seems to take about half an hour to sing.
(b) Shake your head vigorously from the wings mouthing the words “I don´t bloody think so” and hope he gets the message.
(c) Blow a giant raspberry down the microphone and protrude your right arm from behind the curtain revealing a clenched fist with your middle finger stuck steadfastly upwards.
7. You arrive at the club on time but our concert secretary insists that you are an hour late and threatens to dock half of your money. Do you –
(a) Politely inform him that this was the time you were informed to turn up and show him a copy of the email from your agent.
(b) Tell him he is wanted on the phone, and when his back is turned smile to yourself and go and get changed.
(c) Burst a blood vessel, scream in his face that he hasn´t got a clue what he´s talking about, then quickly manoeuvre behind him and garrotte him with his own tie.
8. You have just been informed that the dressing room is out of bounds because of a burst pipe and you have to get changed in the toilets. Do you –
(a) Resign yourself to having to hop about on one leg splashing about in pools of urine whilst trying to keep your trousers dry.
(b) Ask if it´s possible to per chance get changed somewhere else, preferably somewhere where there isn´t someone sat at the side of you “taking his ease”.
(c) Waltz straight round to the coat rack, pick up the concert secretary´s scarf and flush it down the bog.
9. One of the committee is having a noisy conversation about his pigeons whilst playing the fruit machine about 3 feet from where you are standing, whilst another committee man peers over his shoulder and predictably says “Hold yer plums”. Do you –
(a) Pretend you haven´t heard it and pick a loud song that will drown out the chatter.
(b) Force a laugh, and then sing “Money, money,money” by Abba.
(c) Say, “No,- let me do that” before reaching over and grabbing his testicles in a vice like grip, before twisting them round, leaving him contorted and gasping for air on the tiled floor.
10. You have a serious accident in the dressing room, breaking your arm. This has happened because the one chair in the dressing room which had only been placed there by the concert secretary because it had several loose screws and was too dangerous for our members to sit on, had given way when you plonked your rear end on it. Do you –
(a) Take a couple of pain killers, and gallantly go ahead with the show holding the microphone in your one good hand.
(b) Instruct the committee that you´ve just had about had enough of their slipshod ways and will be phoning “Claims Direct” as soon as you get back from hospital.
(c) Seek out the concert secretary, cornering him in the tap room, gently insert a loaded pistol into his mouth and blow his bloody head off.
Monday 15 March 2010
Committee Meeting - Monday 15th March 2010
COMMITTEE MEETING MONDAY 15TH MARCH 2010
Apologies for absence were received from Colin Chivers, who has recently suffered a virus – on his computer, George Appleton who´s not been very well and Cyril Dobbs, who died.
Item one on the agenda – dog fouling on the perimeter concourse directly outside the club:
Les Stubbs said that he had noticed it getting worse lately and was finding it more difficult to walk in a straight line of late. “Mind you”, he added “Half of the reason for that is me bad feet, doctor said that he´d send me to a chiropodist and get it sorted. This were a fortnight since, and what has happened? – well I´ll tell you shall I – bugger all that´s what. Lionel Smithers who lives next door but one had the same problem as me, and he were seen straight away, - I can´t understand it, or rather I can understand it – his niece works on the reception at the chiropodist, makes you bloody sick, his feet were nowhere near as bad as mine to start with and now I´m still hobbling about like an old woman and he´s skipping around like a chuffing two year old. I´ve already sent a letter to the town hall about it and if I don´t get any joy from them I´ll be getting on to the local paper and after that me MP”. Neville Cummings also had a view on this. “Well, I can tell you that my wife goes to that same chiropodist and she´s had nowt but bother wi em, she sacrificed her shift at the coffee morning at the W.I – and it were her turn to pour!, went to get her bunions shaved and had to wait two bloody hours in the waiting room – they said they were dealing with an emergency or summat, - turns out some silly sod had stubbed his toe on the leg of his bed whilst chasing after a gerbil, - what a bloody carry on. Had to make me own tea that day, and that´s not happened since afore I were wed, had to ask Maureen in from next door to show me how to open me own fridge!”
Bob Merryman sympathised with Neville´s predicament. “Them chiropodists are a waste of time anyway in my opinion, there´s nowt that can go wrong wi feet that can´t be put right by soaking em in vinegar. It´s allus worked for me over´t years, from doing me national service right up until I packed up the milk round a couple of year back. Used to get up at 3 o´clock int morning come rain or shine, scrape ice off ot windscreen of me milk float, stamp the snow off me boots and cling on to next doors cat to try and get circulation goin in me hands – and this were in bloody August! I´ll never forget the time I set off down´t street int pitch black and suddenly the float reared up and there such bloody crash behind me. Thought that someone were taking pot shots at me from their bedroom window – cos it were a right rough area tha knows, but no, - turns out that I´d forgotten to unplug the re-charging lead which were attached to the mains in our front room. It were a right bloody mess I can tell you, it had knocked over the radiogram – which were worth a fortune – and that had smashed into the budgies cage. Luckily the budgie weren´t killed but from that day on it couldn´t chirp properly and it flew upside down – still does. The vet said he could cure it but it would cost. Told him to stick his “Cost” up his bloody arse, they´re allus out to fleece you them vets, don´t trust any of em. I mean, cats and dogs can´t talk can they! You avent got a clue what goes on behind that surgery door, once told me that the grand daughter´s tortoise was in a coma, and it were gonna cost a hundred quid to bring it round. I´ve never heard such shite, - it were hibernating! Everybody knows that tortoises hibernate, everybody that is apart from the sodding vet. The damn thing woke up in March as right as rain, it yawned a bit, we give it a bit o lettuce and it sprinted off, never to be seen again – well, not alive anyway.............”
The meeting was adjourned at this point, it was agreed that it had been a very constructive meeting and that we would meet again a week on Monday to discuss the dog fouling problem.
Concert Chairman.
Apologies for absence were received from Colin Chivers, who has recently suffered a virus – on his computer, George Appleton who´s not been very well and Cyril Dobbs, who died.
Item one on the agenda – dog fouling on the perimeter concourse directly outside the club:
Les Stubbs said that he had noticed it getting worse lately and was finding it more difficult to walk in a straight line of late. “Mind you”, he added “Half of the reason for that is me bad feet, doctor said that he´d send me to a chiropodist and get it sorted. This were a fortnight since, and what has happened? – well I´ll tell you shall I – bugger all that´s what. Lionel Smithers who lives next door but one had the same problem as me, and he were seen straight away, - I can´t understand it, or rather I can understand it – his niece works on the reception at the chiropodist, makes you bloody sick, his feet were nowhere near as bad as mine to start with and now I´m still hobbling about like an old woman and he´s skipping around like a chuffing two year old. I´ve already sent a letter to the town hall about it and if I don´t get any joy from them I´ll be getting on to the local paper and after that me MP”. Neville Cummings also had a view on this. “Well, I can tell you that my wife goes to that same chiropodist and she´s had nowt but bother wi em, she sacrificed her shift at the coffee morning at the W.I – and it were her turn to pour!, went to get her bunions shaved and had to wait two bloody hours in the waiting room – they said they were dealing with an emergency or summat, - turns out some silly sod had stubbed his toe on the leg of his bed whilst chasing after a gerbil, - what a bloody carry on. Had to make me own tea that day, and that´s not happened since afore I were wed, had to ask Maureen in from next door to show me how to open me own fridge!”
Bob Merryman sympathised with Neville´s predicament. “Them chiropodists are a waste of time anyway in my opinion, there´s nowt that can go wrong wi feet that can´t be put right by soaking em in vinegar. It´s allus worked for me over´t years, from doing me national service right up until I packed up the milk round a couple of year back. Used to get up at 3 o´clock int morning come rain or shine, scrape ice off ot windscreen of me milk float, stamp the snow off me boots and cling on to next doors cat to try and get circulation goin in me hands – and this were in bloody August! I´ll never forget the time I set off down´t street int pitch black and suddenly the float reared up and there such bloody crash behind me. Thought that someone were taking pot shots at me from their bedroom window – cos it were a right rough area tha knows, but no, - turns out that I´d forgotten to unplug the re-charging lead which were attached to the mains in our front room. It were a right bloody mess I can tell you, it had knocked over the radiogram – which were worth a fortune – and that had smashed into the budgies cage. Luckily the budgie weren´t killed but from that day on it couldn´t chirp properly and it flew upside down – still does. The vet said he could cure it but it would cost. Told him to stick his “Cost” up his bloody arse, they´re allus out to fleece you them vets, don´t trust any of em. I mean, cats and dogs can´t talk can they! You avent got a clue what goes on behind that surgery door, once told me that the grand daughter´s tortoise was in a coma, and it were gonna cost a hundred quid to bring it round. I´ve never heard such shite, - it were hibernating! Everybody knows that tortoises hibernate, everybody that is apart from the sodding vet. The damn thing woke up in March as right as rain, it yawned a bit, we give it a bit o lettuce and it sprinted off, never to be seen again – well, not alive anyway.............”
The meeting was adjourned at this point, it was agreed that it had been a very constructive meeting and that we would meet again a week on Monday to discuss the dog fouling problem.
Concert Chairman.
Sunday 24 January 2010
The Concert Chairman On The Radio
Article from our club journal - "The Cumberland Claptrap":
Our very own concert chairman has now secured a spot on the "Turner & Holt Sports Spectacular" radio show on "FabFMSpain" - he appears as the "Voice Of Reason" to give his views on various sporting topics of the day plus on the weekly "Guess the year" feature. Here is a transcript of this weeks conversation -
"Audley Harrison – when´s he gonna actually fight a boxer? – up to press he´s fought a cabby, a postman and 3 bin men – soft as muck, - I read in´t paper he got mugged by an old lady outside a fish shop in London last week, - Had him ont floor with his arm up his back and pinched his haddock. – left him laid in´t gutter covered in scraps, - I ask yer. Tell you who was just as bad – Joe Bugner – great big lump of useless fat lard he was – fought Ali twice and never actually threw a punch! only time he peeped out from behind his gloves were to put his gumshield in. He wore that at the weigh in an all - he were that scared – They were some great boxers though weren´t they in those days– Joe Frazer, Muhammad Ali – George Formby – he couldn´t half punch except that time in Zaire when Ali talked him to death – the fumble in the jungle they called it. He´s a chef now – he´s got a chip pan named after him or summat.
Anyway – 1988 what a year, I were recuperating from a slip disc after falling over a dead hedgehog up on me allotment. – It were a nightmare – I had to send the wife up there to plant me shallots and everything, - I were bed ridden – but only for one night though. Doctor cudn´t believe it, said I shudn´t be able to walk – walk! – I were playing football next morning – and I scored a hat trick. – said he´s never come across anybody who could recover from such a serious injury like that ever before, by rights I should have been in traction for 3 months and then another month psychotherapy. Said I were a walking miracle, said if there were more people like me, his job would be 10 times easier.
(Discussing the World Snooker final of 1985:)
I were a brilliant snooker player me sen yer know, wud av turned professional an all had I not got that detached rectum after somebody threw the triangle at me - hit me in the eye – I were best player in our club anyway, I used to break off, bounce off o´t top 2 cushions, behind´t blue, off o´t bottom cush and cue ball would end up nestled up to behind yellow – or behind the brown – if I was a bit off form. I used to play pairs with Charlie Barrett who had a glass eye, so he couldn´t judge distances, so as far as he were concerned pack of reds were 3 mile away, and frankly – he played like it. Problem were he used to line up the shot with his glass eye instead of his good one, I told him to get the doctor to drill a hole in it so he can see through it but he wouldn´t listen.I bought him an eye patch in the end but he fell down the stairs at Horsforth Conservative club – silly sod put the patch over his GOOD eye! I didn´t notice that he played any worse though.
The greatest ever final was that one between Davis and Naylor– surely, unless you count Joe Davis beating Walter Lindford 145 – 110 in 1937 – that were a close game for them days, a real ciff hanger. – Funny that another Davis came along – Steve - everybody thought that they were related but they weren´t – he were ginger if you remember. Anyway, he played Dennis Naylor who were blind – until he put this glasses on, but he didn´t put em on til he was 8-0 behind – think he had wife´s glasses on by mistake. I Remember the great champions – Ray Reardon – Dracula they called him – cos he didn´t like coming for crosses – no hang on – that might have been Victor Spinetti – the goalkeeper, anyway then there was Eddie Charlton the Aussie who were a right boring player with a hair transplant and Frank Spencer who wore a blue suit – he won world title 3 times, but that were before it were played at er...Sheffield Wednesday at The Crucifix theatre, I remember that it didn´t finish until half six in´t morning, I remember inviting milkman in to watch the last frame, and we toasted Naylor´s victory with a glass of gold top, and a strawberry yoghurt."
Tune into "TheTurner and Holt Sports Spectacular" on FabFMSpain 99.5FM or on the internet on http://www.fabfmspain.com/ 5-7pm saturdays (or 4-6pm British time)
Our very own concert chairman has now secured a spot on the "Turner & Holt Sports Spectacular" radio show on "FabFMSpain" - he appears as the "Voice Of Reason" to give his views on various sporting topics of the day plus on the weekly "Guess the year" feature. Here is a transcript of this weeks conversation -
"Audley Harrison – when´s he gonna actually fight a boxer? – up to press he´s fought a cabby, a postman and 3 bin men – soft as muck, - I read in´t paper he got mugged by an old lady outside a fish shop in London last week, - Had him ont floor with his arm up his back and pinched his haddock. – left him laid in´t gutter covered in scraps, - I ask yer. Tell you who was just as bad – Joe Bugner – great big lump of useless fat lard he was – fought Ali twice and never actually threw a punch! only time he peeped out from behind his gloves were to put his gumshield in. He wore that at the weigh in an all - he were that scared – They were some great boxers though weren´t they in those days– Joe Frazer, Muhammad Ali – George Formby – he couldn´t half punch except that time in Zaire when Ali talked him to death – the fumble in the jungle they called it. He´s a chef now – he´s got a chip pan named after him or summat.
Anyway – 1988 what a year, I were recuperating from a slip disc after falling over a dead hedgehog up on me allotment. – It were a nightmare – I had to send the wife up there to plant me shallots and everything, - I were bed ridden – but only for one night though. Doctor cudn´t believe it, said I shudn´t be able to walk – walk! – I were playing football next morning – and I scored a hat trick. – said he´s never come across anybody who could recover from such a serious injury like that ever before, by rights I should have been in traction for 3 months and then another month psychotherapy. Said I were a walking miracle, said if there were more people like me, his job would be 10 times easier.
(Discussing the World Snooker final of 1985:)
I were a brilliant snooker player me sen yer know, wud av turned professional an all had I not got that detached rectum after somebody threw the triangle at me - hit me in the eye – I were best player in our club anyway, I used to break off, bounce off o´t top 2 cushions, behind´t blue, off o´t bottom cush and cue ball would end up nestled up to behind yellow – or behind the brown – if I was a bit off form. I used to play pairs with Charlie Barrett who had a glass eye, so he couldn´t judge distances, so as far as he were concerned pack of reds were 3 mile away, and frankly – he played like it. Problem were he used to line up the shot with his glass eye instead of his good one, I told him to get the doctor to drill a hole in it so he can see through it but he wouldn´t listen.I bought him an eye patch in the end but he fell down the stairs at Horsforth Conservative club – silly sod put the patch over his GOOD eye! I didn´t notice that he played any worse though.
The greatest ever final was that one between Davis and Naylor– surely, unless you count Joe Davis beating Walter Lindford 145 – 110 in 1937 – that were a close game for them days, a real ciff hanger. – Funny that another Davis came along – Steve - everybody thought that they were related but they weren´t – he were ginger if you remember. Anyway, he played Dennis Naylor who were blind – until he put this glasses on, but he didn´t put em on til he was 8-0 behind – think he had wife´s glasses on by mistake. I Remember the great champions – Ray Reardon – Dracula they called him – cos he didn´t like coming for crosses – no hang on – that might have been Victor Spinetti – the goalkeeper, anyway then there was Eddie Charlton the Aussie who were a right boring player with a hair transplant and Frank Spencer who wore a blue suit – he won world title 3 times, but that were before it were played at er...Sheffield Wednesday at The Crucifix theatre, I remember that it didn´t finish until half six in´t morning, I remember inviting milkman in to watch the last frame, and we toasted Naylor´s victory with a glass of gold top, and a strawberry yoghurt."
Tune into "TheTurner and Holt Sports Spectacular" on FabFMSpain 99.5FM or on the internet on http://www.fabfmspain.com/ 5-7pm saturdays (or 4-6pm British time)
Thursday 7 January 2010
New Years Eve
Would like to thank all our members what turned up to our New years Eve fancy dress party on new years Eve. We once again had a capacity turn out in the best room and prizes for best fancy dress went to Mozzer Littlemore (Tina Turner), Dave from Alcudia (wore a pair of red combinations but not sure who he was meant to be), and club steward Nigel and Yvonne who came as Robin Hudd and Maid Marriot. We also had a snow man, a penguin and a bloke with a long coat and white face, which was very good.
I performed my duties until “Auld Lang Syne” whereby I vacated the stage to let the celebrations commence. Unfortunately my wife Elsie didn´t make it due to rheumatoid dartitis. It´s a shame is that cos she´d spent ages making that big fat Christmas pudding outfit – amazingly when she put it on – she didn´t look any different.
I performed my duties until “Auld Lang Syne” whereby I vacated the stage to let the celebrations commence. Unfortunately my wife Elsie didn´t make it due to rheumatoid dartitis. It´s a shame is that cos she´d spent ages making that big fat Christmas pudding outfit – amazingly when she put it on – she didn´t look any different.
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