Article From the "Cumberland Claptrap" - Our Club Journal

YORKSHIRE COUPLE IN CHARITY BIKE RIDE.

Two of our members Sid and Pauline rolled into town in style on a motorbike and sidecar as part of a charity bike ride from their homes in Beeston. They were triumphant on their arrival here at the Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s Club after an arduous 2 week journey. Sid was philosophical, “We´d expected it to take us about 5 days but Pauline´s a bit suspect on the old map reading and I think we went the long way round to be honest. Put it this way, I didn´t expect to be tootling around the Scottish Borders, - I thought it were getting colder instead of warmer but the wife insisted we were ont right track even when we stopped to ask for directions and this bloke in a kilt gave us a load of abuse, pissed up to the eyeballs he were and we couldn´t tell a word he were saying, - Pauline insisted he were French. All in all it took us the best part of a week to get to Dover.
We stopped at Dunkirk briefly which brought some very painful memories back for me. - It were here where I were shunted up the arse by an Onion seller on his pushbike when I were in me Bubble car in 1965. There shallots all over´t road, we found his beret up a tree and the bubble car was a write off. We were on our honeymoon that time, though in actual fact we´d got lost then an all and we should have been in Morecambe.
It were pretty plain sailing after that, the only thing being that I´d forgot to drive on the right hand side o´t road until we got to Barcelona, I wondered why all the traffic had been tooting at me, I thought it were cos of the motorbike and sidecar, Pauline loved it and spent all her time waving back.” I ask who´s is the child in the front basket, and they look a little sheepish. “I wish we knew” says Pauline. We parked up the bike here outside the club and there she was sat in the front basket like a little raffle prize. We´ve no idea of who she is or where she came from, - we´re thinking of calling her “Hamper”.

Potting Shed Razed To The Ground

Well it´s been a traumatic time up the allotment this past few weeks right enough. First we had a deluge of rain which caused no end of heartache. The results were – Broad beans – ruined, Green Beans – decimated, and wife – flattened (it were windy an all). I were just getting things together again when I were roused by Charlie Barrett (who has the next plot to me) at 7 o’clock this morning to tell me my potting shed was on fire. I was still in bed at the time, but rushed straight down there and the scene before me beggared belief, the fireball had devoured the shed and had made a start on me Sweet Peas. I ate what I could, as I didn´t have any Tupperware on me to sam em up in and then watched in horror as the shed that I´d built myself (from a kit) disintegrated before my eyes and in no time at all was reduced to a pile of ashes.

The only things that survived were me garden fork, a tin of corn plasters and an old world war 1 tin helmet what I used to wear when it rained. Bernie Glossop who has the plot at the other side swiftly moved into action - and quickly put a couple of spuds in the embers (he said it seemed a pity to waste em). Thank you Bernard.
I stood there dumbfounded thinking of all the happy times I´d had in there. – like the time when I supped a half pint pot of lawnmower petrol mistaking it for Charlie´s home brew. (As it turned out the petrol was smoother, was easier on the nose, and had a better head on it an all).
I couldn´t take it in and I don´t mind telling you that I had a lump in my throat at that point (the jacket taties were proving difficult to digest). There will be a lengthy grieving process no doubt, it´s not easy to get over summat like this. I just hope they catch the buggers who did this that´s all, I´m sure in my own mind that it´s arson, it´s got to be, - I probably DID leave the paraffin heater on, but I´m always doing that and nowt´s ever come of it before and Charlie´s always tapping out his pipe out into my wellingtons, but that´s just a joke. No, it´ll be that family from across the road, they´ve allus had it for me just cos I shot their hamster when I found it nibbling at me herbaceous border.