Christmas Over n Done wi.

Would like to thank Reg for standing in for Wilf and being Santa for the kids party although he contracted cotton wool poisoning from his beard unfortunately. The pensioners Christmas party at “John and Josephs” was a success although my wife Elsie had to be sent home after choking on a crouton. Well, we think it was a crouton although it was floating about on its own, and it wasn´t in the soup strictly speaking,...........it was in her glass of wine.


Regards, The Concert Chairman.

That´s Fiestas Over An Done Wi.

Glad to report that we were right busy over´t fiesta period and many of our members got a bit worse for wear. I didn´t get dressed up for´t fancy dress Thursday this year cos I couldn´t be bothered. When I did it before nobody knew who I were so I lost me air of authority and anarchy soon set in. I am assured that the committee were working hard behind the scenes – though personally I never copped sight of any of em doing owt, - behind the scenes or otherwise and most of the donkey work were done by me or the club steward as usual. – Regards, The Concert Chairman.  

It´s all go now for´t new season, I were at Cumberland one minute, then at "Seals Trades & Labour Club, and now back at Cumberland again - I´m knackered.

 Reunion in Blackpool went right champion, we had one or two injuries in´t beach footy match mind. There were a cock up and we ended up playing in our fancy dress costumes from´t night before. No bugger to stay on their feet it seemed to me, Benidorm Norm ripped his hamstring after precisely 5 seconds, Compo Whatmore cracked a rib swiping at fresh air and I was set upon by Robin Hood in an unprovoked attack. Foggy Buckley dressed as a keystone cop took it upon his self to wield his truncheon in an overly aggressive manor and is up before committee at next meeting as a result.


Regards, The Concert Chairman.

New Club

Fellow members, just to let you know that I´m settling in well at “The 2 Seals Trades & Labour” Club. I´ve been welcomed with arms (if not quite open ones) and Nigel and Debbie have been right champion thus far. (Haven´t met the committee yet).


Elsie´s already started moaning on about booking our room at The Savoy Hotel for our “Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s Club” Blackpool reunion in´t first weekend in August, so I´ll book her in tomorrow (I´ll stay at “The Metropole”).

By the way your old “Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s Club” membership cards are transferable to our new club, and I´ve had a word with our doorman Foggy Buckley about the matter. – (Mind yer it probably went in one ear and out the other).

Complaints About Doorman

We have received several complaints about our doorman Mr. Foggy Buckley. It has been alleged that he was over officious during an emergency and told an old aged pensioner to piss off.


Foggy has kept tight lipped about the accusations until now but broke his silence (and a pint glass) when he vented his anger at the last meeting. “It´s all bollocks is this!” He reasoned, “Yes, I told some old bloke where to go, but that´s my job, - he wanted to come to use the bog but had no intention of buying a drink and anyway he were a non member so he doesn´t count as far as I´m concerned. He just stood there doubled up sayin he couldn´t hold it any longer, - so I kicked him in the bladder and sent him packing. I cleaned it all up afterwards didn´t I? – So what´s the problem?”

“As for that business with the police, they can´t just come storming in ere as if they own the place, all I did was follow them round with the signing in book and a biro but the buggers just ignored me, but they took notice alright when I got one of em in a Boston Strangle Hold. It was unfortunate that he landed in Yvonne´s lovely sandwiches I´ll admit but that´s the nature of the job. I suffered as well that night which is what some people forget; - I was jostled into a plate of sausage rolls and got coshed over the head with a stick of celery”.

The committee are appealing for witnesses.

"Alf Gets His Sight Back" - Article from our Club Journal "The Cumberland Claptrap"

 The whole of our club was overjoyed when it was announced this week that Alf Tibbins who´s been suffering with cataracts since he got his first one in the early 90´s can now see again – And the first thing he did when he regained his sight - was to file for a divorce! Alf takes up the story.

“The thing is when the old eyesight started giving way Mary weren´t wearing too badly at the time and she looked alright, not stunning exactly but alright. Then, when I came round after the operation she came to visit me in hospital. Me sight were a bit blurry at first but gradually the eyes started to clear, I squinted for a bit, slowly started to focus on her face, - and it were apparent that she´s turned into a right old boiler. I tried to ignore it but she could sense I weren´t best pleased as she handed me over some grapes. Don´t get me wrong she´s still a nice person and everything it´s just that I can´t see meself trying to rifle through her drawers any time soon, it´s a shame but there you go”. His wife of 35 years and constant companion through all his trials and tribulations remained defiant last night.

“That´s charming that is, after all I´ve done for that man, I couldn´t believe it when I drove him home and he asked me drop him off at the newsagents so he could buy a Daily Mirror and a Penthouse magazine. Obviously I´m pleased for him that his eyesight has come back but it gets my back up when he spends all day lusting after Carol Vorderman and Jane McDonald on “Loose Women”. I don´t know who the hell he thinks he is, he´s obviously not got round to looking in the mirror yet, - he´s hardly Robert Redford his self – Robert Robinson more like!”

Editors note: Robert Robinson was the excrutiating bald ginger bloke who chaired “Ask The Family” in the 70´s. - Below, an  unrepentant Alf last night.

The Pensioners Christmas Trip.

Article taken from our club journal - "The Cumberland Claptrap".
This years event was held at “John and Josephs” eatery and was very well attended. Bob Tinkerton our treasurer gave a small speech welcoming all our senior members before clutching at his stomach and collapsing on top of the gravy boat. His wife mabel was most put out. “I´m most put out” she said afterwards, “That gravy will never come out”. Fellow club member Nat Burrows was equally unimpressed. "My turkey was definitely a bit suspect, it was brown for one thing and appeared to have a tail, I complained to the waiter that the sprouts were a bit undercooked an all, and to be fair he very kindly came back with a blow lamp, - but we couldn´t get it lit. The christmas pudding was black and smelt of cheese."


Sheila Badcock the party organiser defended the choice of venue and speaking from her hospital bed said, “Well it´s very good value for money I think, it´s true that one or two complained about the odd thing here and there, but overall it was a huge success, or at least that was what I was told by the four people who were still sat upright when the pudding arrived”.

Ted Eccles.